The sunflower rug - it got to me. The family joke that ceased to be funny the minute her body ceased to be alive It was in 2006, on a train for many hours mile after mile of sunflowers as we traveled across France until she said she could not stand to see any more sunflowers. For years it would come back, as a sweet, happy joke when we would see sunflowers. When we went to Europe again 10 years later, she brought a dress with her because she know that she would be going to the Van Gogh museum with Troy. I think she wore it on her birthday when we were in the Summer gardens in St Petersburg. She looked beautiful in it. She was cremated in it.
My mom wanted a rug for her kitchen floor and asked for my help to order one online. I was going through a website to find something that would work for her and I saw the sunflower rug. It was pretty, and I remembered Hannah, but it only hurt a little, and it was okay in a few minutes. Her brother saw the photo and remembered too. I wonder if it will always be this way - a little, common thing can make us sad. It's not as bad. I don't always cry and sometimes believe that there is hope for the future. God, I hope there is happiness in the future for the boys... She's been gone for over 19 months now. I can see sunflowers without tearing up.
I googled her. I realized, again, that there will never be any more things to see when I google her. Her obituary, her published thesis, a photo from her obituary. That's it.
